Friday's Female: Courage

"Are you sure you want to finish that bottle of red? You know what they say."

She finished pouring. She had gone out for dinner then drinks with seven other colleagues. Six of them were male. "What? That I will be gang raped?"

The liquor that had urged her colleague to make vague innuendos over her glass now stuttered to find a response to this less vague accusation.  "No! Of course not. I would never mean that." The flush on his face seemed not only to be from the alcohol.

"What do they say?"

"In the part of the world I come from, they say that any woman in a group who finishes a bottle of red will be the next to become pregnant."

"I see." That was a perfectly logical and apt subject to bring up at a social dinner at a conference. "Then tell me, why have you only ever let your wife finish one bottle of red wine?"

***

I do not know the woman in question. I know the man well. He works down the hall from my partner. His (only) son is in the same room at the university nursery as Epsilon. The above conversation is embellished by me from my partner's recollection of a night of tapas and wine where the group of eight had consumed a horrifying number of bottles of alcohol.

My respect for the unknown woman's quick wittedness is immense. In the time that has passed since I heard this story, my respect for my partner's colleague has plummeted. My opinion of him poisoned, I now see cracks in his persona that may be indications of deeper sexism. We keep our conversations about the kids.

Say it like a man

A little over a month ago, I sat down to dinner the night before a conference at the other end of the table  from a colleague. I have a lot of respect for this man as a scientist, he's done a lot for my personal career. I don't think I'd ever suggest to a female student of mine that she work with him, at least not unforewarned.

Colleague: Hey Barefoot, how are you liking University F?
Me: Um, I just got there, but its been good so far.
C: Have you checked out [foreign word] yet?
Me: What's that?
C: Its an interesting place.
At this point, since the conversation is being shouted across the table, everyone else who doesn't live in My City is curious what is being talked about.
Me: Could you tell me more?
C: It's like Disney Land.
Different colleague: You mean it has rides?
C: Well, yes, for adults. To me. You wouldn't like it.
The danger wave function that is present in so many non-scientific conversations with C collapses, and  I think "How do you know I wouldn't like it?" But any (more) discussion of sex and sexuality was not appropriate.
Me: Is this the red light district?
The woman across the table from me,  also from University F, nods, embarrassed.
Me: Why couldn't you just say that?

Weeks pass. It is late at night, and my computer is doubling as a radio. I follow a series of links to a show about prostitution. All of a sudden, I realize what I should have ended that conversation with.

Me: So C, you can't say "red light district" like a man? You call it Disney Land like a pubescent boy?

Shoulda seen it coming

There's a particular type of conversation with a type of person who likes to play devil's advocate no matter what the consequences on the emotions of the fellow conversant. Sometimes, I see them coming. Sometimes I set myself up for them.

I mentioned to someone that I was going to try to ease myself off of caffeine as soon as I was childless again. Simultaneously I hear "What does having a child have to do with it?" and "Wait, why are you going to be childless?"

For reasons I cannot fathom, in a room full of men, I choose to answer the second question. 

"Oh! I have to show you this! I found an amazing recipe for toddler fricassee. I was thinking of trying it out for dinner tonight."

There is a shocked uncomfortable silence as several professors who I will never have to ask to write me a letter stare at me. I sip my tea.

Alas, I explain that Epsilon will be with his father come September.

"Why?"
"Because his father is a better parent than I am." Nervous laughter.
"Don't you want to keep him with you?"
"I don't want to face Regional Difficulty X."
"But don't you want him to have Cultural Experience Y?"
"I would love for him to have Cultural Experience Y, but Difficulty X is just too great."
"Oh Difficulty X isn't so bad. Just do Z, and then Epsilon'll have Cultural Experience Y."
"Can you imagine then, what I would do in situation W?"
"Oh but immigrant group A has been dealing with situation W for decades. Racist anecdote about immigrant group A dealing with situation W."

Fortunately someone changes the subject soon thereafter. I know this conversation made at least one graduate student in the room uncomfortable. I am really sorry about my role in that. Maybe I'm growing bitter, maybe I'm tired, maybe I've lost my sense of humour. But I should have seen this one coming as soon as I made the comment about the caffeine.* I think I'm going to develop a policy of not discussing my family at work at all for the rest of my time here.



*There's a fine line between blaming the victim and protecting oneself. I'm trying to stay on the latter side of that line.

What's keeping you?

I was having a bad day yesterday. Then this happened.

Several of us were shooting the breeze before an in house seminar got started, and my views on my impending emigration came up. Because of aforementioned bad day, I did not speak kindly of my future home, blaming it for the separation that my little family faces now, and will continue to face. "Right now, I hate anything that is keeping my little family apart."

"What's keeping you from being with your family?" I cannot for the life of me tell you who the inquirer was. There's a one in three chance that he actually didn't know my familial situation. Selfishly, I chose not to expose my already raw feelings to an honest discussion of the delicacies and complications involved.

I could have said "My failure to be enough of a superstar to walk into any city and demand that a university in that city give me a job."

Or, if I was feeling more double X empowered, I might have said "My partner's failure to give up his academic dreams to find a job near me."

Instead, I blamed "My inability to leave academia to follow my partner around."

It always makes me nervous to talk about the possibility of leaving academia to solve a 2 body problem, though the possibility does hang miasmically in my peripheral vision. Eventually we all agreed that it wasn't so much my inability to leave academia as it was my probably subsequent inability to reenter it if I chose that route.


Oh wit of the stairs. Why do you haunt me? I practise my one-liners dutifully in the shower. Why fail me now?

One liners

A friend of a friend of a ... friend of mine has an infant, and is being hassled by her colleagues to become a stay at home mom. She happens to live in a country with strong social insurance program that will allow her to maintain her income for a while as she cares for her child. Sounds great from the point of view of the American system of 12 weeks unpaid, but she doesn't want to be a stay at home mom.

So I'm trying to come up with some one-liners for her situation at various levels of snark. Other contributions welcome.

Why don't you stop working to stay at home with your baby?

I enjoy working.

I'd be bored at home.

If I stopped working here, I'd miss you too much.

But then you'd miss me. ... Oh, you'd just replace me? All the more reason to stay!

I've tried having chats with my infant over lunch, and his conversations skills just aren't as scintillating as yours are.

Hey, thanks for looking out for me at this time. You're such a good friend. Can I tell you a secret? I actually don't like my baby. He smells funny.

You'd make more on social welfare as you make now. Why are you still working?

I enjoy working.

I've been listening to [insert right wing anti-welfare politician] recently, and I think I've developed an allergy to checks from the government.

And what type of example would I be setting for my child if I were to do something just because it would be more lucrative in the short term!?

It is better for the baby to be with his mother.

I enjoy working.

It is better for the child to be with a mother who has a job and some independence.

Actually, I think my kid likes [insert child care provider's name] better.

It's better for a colleague to have considerate co-workers... your point?