If you asked me to give up my research or my family I would panic

I've been feeling down and overworked a lot recently, with job applications and everything else. I had an on-line pep-talk with a friend of mine, a tenure track mother who spent a stint in the corporate world, that seemed to really get to the point of a lot of issues I've been dealing with. My post today is just excerpt from that conversation. 

Sara:  how are you?

me:  looking at jobs ... feeling a bit down

Sara:  why?  ...

me:  I'm tierd of putting 2-3 hours every night after he goes to sleep

and writing lecture notes over the weekend, and then feeling guilty that I haven't gotten any [research] done

.... 

me:  if I quit academia, could I get a corporate job where I could work 40 hours most weeks?

Sara:  guilt free lunch, guilt free weekend,

yeah but if you're like me you would want to shoot yourself

me:  I want to shoot myself now... for different reasons.

Sara: ... you're also going on the academic job market

and you have a dual academic family ...

and [partner] has been on two searches which is extremely taxing on you as well, and he had that year in chicago

me:  when it was just [partner] and myself, i wouldn't trade this life (all the downsides included) for the world

Sara:  you're under some really unusual stresses all at once

me:  but now... having lost a year of research to [Epsilon], and a dual academic life, some stability somewhere seems very desireable

Sara:  two people on the market at the same time with a baby is crazy

 ...

me:  it's hard to make people at [my university] understand why I am panicking... they are right in that I shouldn't, because it does no good

 ...

but sometimes, it would be nice if I could just go cry in their office because I'm not a superstar ... tenured professor like they are

Sara:  i bet none of them are in the situation you are at

 ...

what kind of job do you want?

me:  I'm in this game for the research. Nothing else is worth the pain (And I'm wondering if the research is).

Sara:  so it has to be an R1 school

me:  yeah

Sara:  ... Will you guys have to be apart for you to do research?

me:  not if we can get two jobs somewhere else

if that's what it takes for more than a year or two, one of us isn't going to do research

Sara:  wow

will the person who has to give it up be resentful about it?

me:  no

we are both so sick of this

Sara:  see, this is why people don't understand your panic. so many couples either:

1. has no kids

2. have one spouse in a regular job

3. are not committed

4. have one spouse who is not into research

if you asked me to give up my research or my family i would panic

And therein lies the crux of the matter. I fear having to choose between these two things I love.

Here's a shout-out to the precious few people I know who are in, or  have gone through similar situations. I don't know how you do (did) it.

And, to be fair, as Sara has pointed out to me, the situation may not be as bleak as I make it sound. My partner's university may be able to come up with office space and a minor affiliation so that I can continue to have an academic home while I look for a job.